How to (NOT) Argue Things with a Difficult Partner

 Have you heard that 10 % of conflicts is due to difference in opinion and 90% is due to wrong tone of voice? 

Image Credit: care2.com

Conflicts are sometimes inevitable but there are effective ways to resolve it. You and your partner have the full responsibility to work things out among yourselves. Otherwise you tolerate that your relationship is bound to fall apart, and you are ready to accept it if it does.

But how about if you are doing your part but your partner keeps breaking the rules?

Break out?

No.

Look for another person to fall for instead?

Not, either. 

Choose not to argue. There are times when you will be pushed to your limits and be drawn to it, but instead of responding to the rode rage war, avoid the invitation to fight back with bitter words. 

For a misinterpreting partner

If you are lucky enough to have a misinterpreting partner, the one who misunderstands a perfectly legitimate and polite word or action, do not argue but state calmly and reasonably: "I'm sorry it sounded like that. What I meant is that...", or "I'm sorry that it made you feel that way...". Do not forget to recognize his feelings and humbly apologize for it whether it's really your fault or not. But be sure to state what you actually meant with your words and actions by avoiding phrases that will trigger his defense.

For a partner with a sharp tongue

If your partner is specially blessed with sarcasm, be direct and tell him openly: "I feel hurt when you say words like... I know I do things that hurt you also but I hope you are open that we try to avoid such things already", or "It hurts when you do things like...We could find some time if there's anything you'd like us to talk about".

For a faultfinder 

If he likes keeping records of your wrongs, do not defend yourself. Instead take note on your "sins". When he has said all of it, say something like, "I noticed you mentioned this thing about me. If I'm really at fault here, I apologize. I'm willing to talk it over with you and I hope you are, too". Remember to allow yourselves to cool down first.

For an exaggerating partner

When he makes ridiculous exaggeration about the things you say or do like "You never care for me", or "You always do..." do not attempt to correct it. Instead recognize that there is probably a reason why your partner felt that way and you are not there to invalidate it but resolve it by saying things like, "I know it upsets you when you said that I do this often. I'll try not to let it happen again by...". Again, recognize how it made him feel and show sincere willingness to address it and be specific about your solutions so that he'll know that you are actually taking concrete steps to solve it. 

And if he insists on these kinds of attitude, tell him. But avoid putting pressure as to when he should improve. Some issues are hard to come by for some people, and your partner might just need to take a little more time to do it. 

Remember too that sometimes, there are really some people who always seem angry and continuously look for faults in others. Do not go with it. The battle they are fighting is not with you, it is with themselves. You can choose to stay reasonable. You can assert your own thoughts and feelings without arguing. By maintaining tactful words and manner, you are saving tons in your relationship. 

I hope you have learned something from this post. If you have similar issues which you think is fair for you to share with me, click anywhere in this paragraph to drop me a message, and comment below saying that you have emailed me with the subject Relationship Blues. I'd be willing to lend an ear for your heartaches. Or we can help each other. 

God bless your heart!

Image Credits:

www.care2.com

8 Simple Ways to Solving Relationship Problems

Conflicts and misunderstanding in any relationship is inevitable. Because no two person are created exactly the same. We have different views as well as different ways of doing things. And these differences can apparently cause disagreements. 

We are taught since childhood that conflict is no good a thing. That it destroys relationships. That's why most of us are threatened when it arises, and our way of coping varies, too-- either we avoid it, or divert our attention to other things. But we know that it still exists. The problem is when it is rather kept and ignored, and it bottles up into a more serious problem later on. In other cases, we want to immediately patch things up because it's becoming a total distress.

Whichever the situation may be, the rules to solving these conflicts and problems constructively is by:

1. Know the ways to communicate effectively with your partner

You'll need it to let out what you and your partner have to tell each other without stirring  the wrong buttons.

2. Choose the best place, too

Aside from choosing the best time to talk, look for a place where you will have the privacy and comfort to talk. Put the conversation off at a later time until both of you have yourselves composed.

3. Be direct and focus on the problem

Understand the main cause of the problem and state your feelings clearly and straight to the point. Stick with it and avoid bringing up previous records of wrong. 

4. Respect

Show respect no matter how eager you are to cut in his talking. No violent threats and insinuation, no name- calling, no fault- finding, no throwing of disrespectful words on family members, no bashing on physical appearance and mental capacity, and no yelling. You can hardly take back a hurtful word. So listen and speak with respect.

5. Share ideas and be clear about it

Brainstorm every possible solutions you both can come up with and be open to different points of view before reacting. Accommodate each other's ideas and be transparent and firm about it. Conflict cannot survive without your participation, says Wayne Dyer. It's important that you agree on how you're going to solve things. It's like meeting halfway.

6. Decide on the best solution

Best here means the most acceptable, appropriate, and beneficial for the two of you. Winning should not be the goal. You should compliment each other, not compete. Just so we are clear with that. One, if not both of you, should compromise reasonably and give in to the other. Remember that it takes two to tango. 

You have to work together to solve your problems, that's why you are called partners. Giving in to the other amidst conflict takes real maturity. It means that your analysis of the situation intends to solve for the benefit of all rather than yourself alone. 

7. Reassess your solutions

Are they really for the benefit of each other? Will it not cause harm and hurt to the other person? Do you  both sincerely agree with it? What are its effects? How will it work to your advantage? And how can you prepare for its disadvantages? 

8. Implement it

Work up what solutions you have decided to apply. Decide who will do what, when, and where. 

The italicized words are your keywords to remember these tips. Just remember to: know, choose, focus, respect, share, decide, reassess, and implement. 

In the end, it already wouldn't matter who is right or wrong. For so long as you are both genuine and willing to work your relationship out and consider why you have loved each other in the first place, you're on the right track. Above all else, do not forget that there is a higher being you can both turn to-- God. 

God bless your heart!

Photo Credits:

blogs (dot) curbkicked (dot) com

7 Ways to Listen Effectively to Your Partner

Agree or not, research says bad listening habits are one of the root causes of relationship problems. When our partner wants to talk about something important, faulty listening can reap negative understanding. Yet, most of us still want to talk more than listen. We have the tendencies to let off our thoughts and meaning than pay full attention to someone who is speaking his. 

Our auto- programmed desire to be heard manifests in few of our actions when we listen: appearing bored, selecting which to listen to and which to reject, being defensive, or interrupting. Are some of these actions familiar to you?

One useful key to remedy these habits is by listening to our partner with feeling. Let me say that again, listening with feeling. Usually the process in communication is we first analyze the information, recall it, and draw conclusions from it. But listening with feeling allows us to hear the feelings of the one speaking first before we analyze the information. 

Our nature is to process information according to our own understanding, and convey what we think about it back to the speaker. But that is not always the case in courtship and marriage. Or in any other kinds of relationship.  We have to listen attentively not only to what has been said, but to what is meant in what was said. That's the way we can understand our partner and perhaps an issue. By doing so:

1. Maintain good eye contact

Tuck away-- your whatchamacallit-- your cellphones and tablets. Good eye contact can help focus your attention. 

2. Sit attentively

Lean forward in your chair. Or block all other distractions as if it's listening to what your partner will say is the only thing that matters in the world at the moment.

3. Act interested in what is said

Nod or express an understanding by one, restating what was said, or two;

4. Say appropriate phrases that affirms you are listening attentively

Phrases like, "I understand" or "I hear you say...". 

5. Ask appropriate questions

It's also one way to show you are interested and you can use it to clarify some things you don't quite understand. 

6.  Pay attention to other details

Listen to what your partner is NOT saying, too. Nonverbal cues.

7. Listen a little longer

Nancy Van Pelt said, "Just when you think you are through listening, listen thirty seconds longer".

Understanding what is meant in what was said is only doing communication half the job. You also have to focus in resolving the real problem. 

And how do you resolve a conflict or an issue? Tune in on my next post on RELATIONSHIPS.

God bless your heart!

Photo Credits:

wheartit (dot) com

6 R's of Speaking Effectively with Your Partner

It's always said, "Treat your family like friends, and your friends like family". We have that conscious effort to speak politely to our friends and oftentimes we let pass this communication skill when it already comes to our family-- our partner. Because as we say it, "it's only family".

Years of affectionate closeness with our partner make us find ourselves feeling like a sloppy closet: dull and customary. Over the time, this familiarity breeds contempt and disregard. Suddenly we want something else for ourselves like we want what we have in mind to be  heard by talking, always! 

For our feelings to be recognized, we unerringly believe that we must continuously communicate with our partner. But there are rules to how we can do it effectively.

1. Right timing

Initiate a conversation at the time your partner can respond pleasantly. There's no well- taken conversation with a bad timing.

2. Right tone of voice

It's not what you say but how you say it that matters, mostly. If you really intend to clear things out, make sure you are easy to listen to. Compose yourself and calm your voice before you even attempt to talk. They say, a 10- second rule is  effective. That is, you have to be silent for ten seconds before you say anything back to the one you are arguing with. Remember, "A gentle answer quiets anger, but a harsh one stirs it up" ~ Proverbs 15: 1.

3. Right point

Think as you speak. And be clear and direct with what you mean. 

4. Right mood

Be less negative and more positive and appreciative. Pick words that are more inclined to getting at solving the problems.

5. Right attitude

Your partner may not always agree with you. But be willing to listen and care for his comfort as you do about your own. Learn to be sensitive to his feelings, too. 

6. Right bent

Be sincerely willing to solve any issue and take things forward to a better one. The more you are inclined to talk to your partner, the more that you take your connection to a higher level. "Conversation is an art, and opportunities to develop it should be encouraged." ~ Nancy Van Pelt.

Show off the right ingenuity towards bettering your relationship. On a second thought you might ask, "How do I really listen to my partner effectively?". Well, tune in on my next post on RELATIONSHIPS.

God bless your heart!

Photo Credits:

believeinsomethingbetter (dot) tumblr (dot) com

4 Important Ways to Appreciate Your Mate

Appreciation is a basic need in any relationship. Any person who says he doesn't need to be appreciated is probably someone who needs it more.

We are greatly influenced by our interaction with different people everyday-- our personal beliefs, ideals, values, desires, and preferences. We are accustomed to what we think is right for us based on these influences. But when we become so engrossed with appropriateness, we tend to easily identify flaws and weaknesses in our mate. We forget to express appreciation, and sometimes magnify minor mistakes instead. 

Not only is appreciation an occasional need, but an everyday need. Men thrive for admiration. And so do women.

If you want your mate to keep loving you-- you need to do one important thing-- appreciate him/ her. Doing this will take you far in your relationship. Or even save a dying one.

Here's how to do it:

1. Be vocal about it

Verbal expression of appreciation, rather than nagging, is as important as the actions. Your mate needs to hear you say it, too.

2. Point out specific qualities

Study your mate-- his/ her likes, dislikes, strengths, weaknesses, even his/ her moods and idiosyncrasies. Observe everyday for unrecognized attitudes and abilities that need deliberate appreciation. 

Some believe doing best at work is important. Others believe it's making for a peaceful home. Either ways, if your mate feels this way, try to appreciate his/ her job. For example, if he reached a quota at work, or aced an important exam or project, inserted an IV cath perfectly, or decorated a tidy and cozy living space. These things, no mater how little, need to be appreciated. It develops self- worth (which all person is working hard for) and in effect, a better relationship. 

3. Don't Flatter

Your mate needs to hear you say it, too-- from the heart. Flattery is an insincere and selfish kind of appreciation. 

Pay attention to your mate to get to know him/ her. That way, you don't have to make up things for the intention to prove that you, indeed, are appreciative. In fact, we humans have the ability to smell false praise. If it happens, it reaps us a rather opposite result. 

4. Appreciate Daily

Never let a day pass without telling him how much he is appreciated. Practicing it is one of the most effective ways to having a smooth relationship. 

As you become more accepting, you'll understand why your mate thinks differently from yours. As you become more understanding, your mate will reveal more to you.

Listen to your mate, ask questions he/ she will enjoy answering. And try to participate in activities he enjoys at least once in a while. You don't lose anything by going the extra mile to get curious on what he's interested on. It's one way to show your appreciation. 

Appreciation is a powerful tool to change negative behavior in your mate. It applies positive reinforcement in dealing with a hard- to- change partner. Instead of getting mad if he does something you don't like, appreciate him when he does something you approve. This positive approach to relationships is much more effective than making things an issue. 

I pray you all an appreciative relationship. God bless your heart!

Photo Credits:

weheartit (dot) com

Decoding a Hard-to-change Partner

You've heard it, many times. Nagging doesn't work. But how can we help it? He has done so many mistakes and there's no way we can let it pass anymore, or else we have accepted our defeat to be treated unwell every time, right? And what can be the most direct way to address it than to tell him in the face why he's making us feel bad?

That Nagging Stuff

Conveying our anger verbally or non- verbally is one clear proof that we do not accept the way we are treated or told. And nagging is the most common form of that nonacceptance.

Even if the reason behind the nagging is good, it will still definitely create a negative effect more than positive. Either our partner will give that silent treatment, become more withdrawn, or become openly hostile and angry. Because nagging triggers defense. There's no way to kill love than to express full disapproval, especially through nagging.

It will make it difficult for a man to appreciate his wife/ girlfriend. In effect, a woman will also have difficulty expressing and receiving the kind of love she wants.

But if You Really Must Do It

Don't let nagging kill love, but let your love for each other kill the nagging instead. If you really must point out the mistake of your partner:

Tone your voice and manner.

We know that sometimes it is not what we say but how we say it that hurts a person. Since childhood, we already resist being constantly dictated of what to do and what not. The same thing goes for grown ups. 

A man will reveal more to a woman he can trust. To enable that, you have to speak as an equal. Talk to each other as equal partners. Take time to ease the emotion or wait until the incident has passed and avoid a direct attack. When the argument is still fresh, we are  too close to the situation that we cannot view it with clarity. Remember just how much you can save by simply putting an extra humility by toning your voice and watching your manner to allow wisdom and perspective to come into the picture.

Commit to listen.

It is one of the most important keys in every communication. Most of us are "interrupters", we have this obstinate tendencies to chime in at any given time, always wanting to be heard. But a conversation can happen without communication. We can keep on speaking without understanding what the other person is saying because we never really tried to listen. The result is always two people who are never justified with how things are going. The problem only gets magnified rather than solved.

Tame your tongue.

It is definitely not plasticity. It simply shows that you understand your relationship enough to let it matter more than any other presumption your problem has created. It's an indication of your willingness to reach out and patch things up with your partner.

The words "I", "always", and "never" are infinitives that will assure you of unresolved problems and a dying marriage. Remember that you have to cater not only to your own needs but the needs of your partner. And the "I" word is a complete impediment to that. A running account of faults destroys marriage more quickly. While it is important that you become honest with your partner about the real score, there is still the right way to do it without bringing out words than can stir defense.

Acceptance is the key

Nothing is more liberating, aside from love, than to know that you are accepted by the persons that matter to you most. We understand that truly loving our partner means that we have accepted him/ her black and white. But as years go by, we discover attitudes which we think are not helpful or need some improving to do, for us and for our partner's good. But change must be total and deliberate for it to be successful. And it cannot happen if we attempt to change the other person but ourselves. There are threefold axiom that may help shape our attitudes of acceptance:

1. We can change no one by direct action.
2. We can change only ourselves.
3. When we change ourselves, others tend to change in response to us.

Any kind of relationship is a system. It is said that change in one part of the system is always followed by compensatory change in other parts. If a husband or boyfriend is disinterested, maybe something in his wife or girlfriend pushes him to be. If a wife or girlfriend feels inadequate and jealous, perhaps her husband or boyfriend gives her enough reasons to be. 

While acceptance can be demonstrated by action, it is also important that we express it in words. For example, "I know that you are a good person and I like you the way you are." or "I like the way you do things". It may sound insincere at first, because it will take time for you to reach the point of complete acceptance. 

No two person who have fallen in love with each other have fully known and accepted their difference all at once when they started. Otherwise the choice  to journey life together would've been pointless. Acceptance is an everyday virtue. And the more you express acceptance, the more it will help you grow and reach complete acceptance.

But do you have to accept everything? No. This doesn't mean that you should deny the fact that you are separate individual, or that you have to tolerate even when the mistake of your partner already causes harm on you both. You don't have to be a doormat. It only means that you respect the person as he is, but would still choose to find a better way to work things out for everyone's behalf. Because acceptance is a human need that needs  to be filled. And no relationship can survive without it. The question is if it's worth it to nag your partner to change, or help each other resolve problems and work towards a better union.

I sincerely pray this post has helped you gain perspective on changing and accepting your partner, whether you are married or not yet. God bless you heart!

Reference:

The Compleat Marriage by Nancy Van Pelt

Photo Credits:

aegchu (dot) tumblr (dot) com

littlethings25 (dot) tumblr (dot) com

Why Love is a Choice and Many are still Broken

If love is a choice, why are there still marriages broken in the end?

Does love has boundaries? Is there a limit for choosing to love someone?

Love as a Choice

No person who has ever loved doesn't have any idea, or haven't heard of the saying, "Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus". We say that men's way of loving is different. But it is not as though they only manifest their affection when they are gratified sexually. In fact they are affectionate by nature. But their approach to love differs from that of women's. 

Men often project love in a more practical way. For example, a husband shows his love by fixing the furnace or by waking up at 5 in the morning, to head out to work, and be back home at 6pm or later. He endures this everyday, and sometimes would only ask for a proper meal or a simple hug from his wife. An action like that may sound as simple as a husband who is only doing his responsibilities. But there must be a far deeper reason why he  pushes it everyday in his life. And it is by choice that he does it religiously as his way to provide and demonstrate his love for his family.

A wife on the other hand shows her love by doing household chores, homeschooling her kids, and working at the same time finding an opportunity at the end of the day to touch her husband and whisper the words "I love you". It is also by choice that she willingly does it everyday to demonstrate her care and love for her family. 

The ways from which love was portrayed are different but it didn't mean that the depth of one's love is greater than the other . The essential element that enables them to continually show their love for each other, in their respective ways, is not simply brought about by counting on any changing things but choice. Otherwise it becomes a dragging responsibility which they do while desire is still present.

What kind of Choice is the Choice for Loving Someone

Choice in love does not mean "obligatory choice" in which a man and a woman chooses each other only because they don't have other options, or because they believe in the idea that true love is a choice.

It largely depends on the force that drives the person of that very choice. Do you love a person because you choose him? Or you choose him because you love him? Those are almost the same things that mean sincerely different. 

The integral part about choice for loving someone is still found in the inner core of your being and not merely by the cultivation of it. It's  in the things that made you fall in love with that person, and how you developed that feeling that eventually made you  ready enough to share the love that abounds from yourself.You choose to love a person because you are ready to offer a selfless kind of love to him/ her. Only and only then can you say that your choice is genuine. 

It does not even matter how long you have lived together. It's the driving force that made you choose to live with that person from the very start.

But Why are We still Broken?

You might have to reflect on what motivated or driven you to love that person. Is it because you admire him, flaws and all, and it is to him that you'd like to offer your affection for? Is it because there's no other way out, but if you only could? Or is it because it's what books and experts tell you? 

Love encompasses all things which logic does not. Similarities, appreciation, difference, sacrifice, endurance, faithfulness, trust, and mutual understanding are simply parts of what it is. But the driving force for choosing to love someone should be based upon the totality of it and not on what it is composed of. 

Truly loving someone, at its deepest meaning, is a forever commitment. It means that you have to continually make the same choice everyday the way Jesus has put endless love for the Church. However, that choice should be mutual. Because if all else fails, there are only two persons you can directly ask-- yourselves. 

Love is an everyday choice.

One of the most prominent reasons why marriages fail is this - husband and wife presume that because they have obtained a license to marry, their success is guaranteed. If through presumption you forget the courtesies by which you won each other, you are likely to wreck your marriage.

I hope you have learned something from this post. God bless your heart!







Reference:
The Compleat Marriage by Nancy Van Pelt

Photo Credits:
weheartit (dot) com

How Porn Affects the Male Brain

Pornography is KING. To men and women of different ages, it is.

It is evident in television advertisements, websites, and even in John Mayer's interview with Playboy Magazine in 2010. 

Pornography? It’s a new synaptic pathway. You wake up in the morning, open a thumbnail page, and it leads to a Pandora’s Box of visuals. There have probably been days when I saw 300 [women] before I got out of bed….Internet pornography has absolutely changed my generation’s expectations.…You’re looking for the one photo out of 100 you swear is going to be the one you finish to, and you still don’t finish. Twenty seconds ago you thought that photo was the hottest thing you ever saw, but you throw it back…How does that not affect the psychology of having a relationship with somebody? It’s got to.¹

At age 3 you can already see a pre-schooler adeptly maneuver a psp or a tab. At 8 he starts using social media to express his thoughts and build his own circle of game buddies. At 12 he knows FHM and Playboy very well. At 17 he's junked-up with the woman he saw on one of the porn sites. It's computer addiction at first, then an ensuing porn addiction.

When I first ran into this article in Teach With Joy by Joy T. Mendoza, I agreed when she mentioned that people become so enslaved to pornography without considering how it can equally damage the essence of creating an intimate relationship between husband and wife. 

Pornography must surely have an extremely elating influence on every person that sees it. Because it's desolating but true to know that when you speak of intimacy  today, it's almost always associated with pornography or in its tangible form-- sex. 

Dr. William Struthers was right. We are all living in a "pornified" society. When you talk to most couples, you would hardly hear one who'll not admit that they have engaged in pre- marital sexual relationship somehow or another. 

It's not like I try to lip serve you with a bickering list of religious dogmas, what-should-bes, and an entire read of bible scriptures from the book of Genesis to Revelations. I'm pretty conscious with how the words of God have started to become like a painful tumor in the ass to most people today.

Porn habitues continue to get so consumed with the pleasurable visuals of sex without having any idea how it affects their brain in the same way that their look is largely affected by what they eat. 

The brain is a powerful organ. But Dr. Struthers explained that it doesn't have the ability to excrete unacceptable data as much as digestive system can expel waste food materials. It only keeps on feeding itself what it perceives is important to keep, and store the not so important details to a distant memory. 

Pornography is unfortunately one of those data. It has an exciting effect. As sexual beings we have the tendencies to constantly get in touch with whatever pleasurable thing we experience.

It's like buying an ice cream in a scoop. You don't really get to remember how the ice cream vendor scooped it into the cone, or what the color of the cone was. You would only remember its taste. 

The brain also has the ability to mimic what it sees. That ability is a blessing and a curse. The curse is when it registers and imitates things that will eventually have a destructive effect. 

If this is how intimacy and sexuality is viewed and practiced today, I wonder how it will be viewed and practiced in the future.

From the Fifty Shades Trilogy to the Perks of Being a Wallflower. Its extremely elating influence leverages movies and makes books the bestselling they can be. Sex sells, a LOT.

When I first read Fifty Shades, I had an instantaneous observation of its deliberate use of the word "sex" while most other books would only describe it indeterminately as "making love".

The Perks on the other hand  tackled molestation like it's a normal thing to do. I don't think these happenings are only brought by a minute of exposure to an erratic visual. It takes constant exposure and an entire society.

These are of course my personal opinions. I do not attempt to confound the persons behind all these books, movies, websites, and advertisements. But I find the crippling effects of pornography deserving of my articulate skepticism.

Sexual intimacy is not alone an event brought by surging hormones. It's also a spiritual event.

There is no such thing as “just looking” at porn. There can be no doubt that it affects us neurologically in long-lasting ways. ~ William Struthers, Ph.D. , The Effects of Porn on the Male Brain

I sincerely pray that God will enlighten everyone with the sanctity of marriage and sexuality. Let spiritual ridicule and sexual misuse be surrendered unto HIM.



What's your view?

References:

teachwithjoy (dot) com

equip (dot) org

Photo Credits:
weheartit (dot) com

Understanding Your Mate (Through His/Her Brain)

The idea of understanding your mate sometimes doesn't sound understandable. Most books explain the why's and how to's that are honestly difficult to apply in life. Deadlocks?

Check out this hilarious clip from Mark Gungor to know how to figure out why a man's brain is made up of boxes and a woman's brain is made up of wires.

Part 1

Part 2

Photo/ Video Credits:
meltedsoup (dot) com
youtube (dot) com

Why Saying Sorry Won’t Help You Get Your Girlfriend Back

It’s easy to say “I’m sorry” , but meaning it is another story. This is practically a comeback post on anything relationships.

"I still love you today the way I loved you yesterday"

While sorry is one of the hardest words to tell, recognizing that you have wronged the other person matters just as much. Whatever reasons you have in ending a relationship, it is always never easy to claim that you both are readily amenable to move on. 

The seemingly touch of freedom after the breakup might only be temporary. At the end of the day you know that there is still a deep trouble that slinks underneath yourself.

Emotional Tank

Books, people, or even your inner voice can tell you, that to make a sincere apology you have to get through the other person and tell her how much you accept that you committed a mistake. To convey to her that you are very sorry and that you regret the day you had ever hurt her. To which it is relatively polite and proper.

But being apologetic is rather an understatement. There is more to asking for forgiveness than expressing it whichever ways. Make more sense about why you are saying your apologies.

Perhaps you are saying sorry because you could no longer put up with stigma other people have attached on you. Saying sorry is not even about the guilt. Or maybe, you are only trying to atone past issues because  you are catching a bad situation and you think that your unresolved issue with your ex is the main  reason you make lame with your progress in life.

You are the one holding yourself. You cannot always blame the other person for all the bad happenings in your life. You are your own master. You were capable of ending a relationship in the first place.

It must've not happened

If you can’t muster up the courage to master your thoughts and understand your emotions, you will mostly end up thinking that you are sorry for your mistakes when in fact you are only looking for means to console yourself. And apologizing is but a superficial way to do that.

You have to learn how to fill up your emotional tank without depending on others. Otherwise it will still send the idea that you are not really trying to make up for the offenses you’ve done.

Be honest. Man up. You don't apologize simply because your present emotion tells you so.

Take Responsibility

It’s a big discouragement to let other people do the apologizing for you. It’s self-explanatory.

No matter how difficult you think the going gets, you have to stand up for your own actions and initiate apologies yourself. And by “yourself” I mean finding time to express remorse personally. You are making amends to a human being and not to a virtual board.

Apologize for the other person’s feelings and not for your own behavior. Because if apologizing to you means justifying what you did, you are only trying to win yourself and not your girlfriend (and her respect) back. 

You are not only responsible for your own actions but for the consequences as well.




Photo Credits:
weheartit (dot) com

Parenting Stint: 5 Sibling Rivalry Fix

Tots who are supported and praised when starting to learn their early childhood skills grow with autonomy and positive self-esteem. But teaching them a little less of autonomy and confidence, and more of appreciation and coöperation may also be as important.

Living in a house with two little nieces of almost the same age got me into episodes of tiny feuds. The 6-year-old miss would not usually put up with her soon-to-be 4-year-old sister.   The “She started it.” and “Why can’t she just use her own crayons?!” lines sometimes distract me from my reading. My hopeful attempts to make my own short vacations at home mostly end up into a bundle of disaster.

These siblings quibbling are not necessarily trivial since they begin at large in the formative years or the first 7 years of life. How my nieces learn to handle brannigan will influence the way they will handle disagreements when they become adults. The role of parents and guardians goes without saying.

As their tita (Aunt) I feel like having to apply what I learned from college, books, and parenting dialogues with the experts. My degree in Nursing has always been a help to a not-yet-mom like me.

Behavior Variations

Toddler and pre-school are the years when children first learn to have enough vocabularies to express their feelings. It is also the stage when they start to learn how responsibilities are shared in the home.

My 6-year-old niece’s familiar lines however prove that there are emotions and responsibilities she cannot fully understand. She is not absolved by the explanation, “Your sister is just a baby. She doesn’t really know what she’s doing”. She often thinks there are privileges and behaviors allowed to her sister that are not tolerated in her.

It is not at all easy since what you think as temperate solution to perils might result into behavior confusion.

See it in general

Approach both lightly and ask without provoking. Provoking promotes defensive reasons as do my nieces. Detecting what’s really going on might help both children; and help parents or guardians learn just how to deal with the kids individually.

Feelings, Oh, Oh, Oh feelings

Bottom-line is, feelings of jealousy occur in some way when there is more than one kid in the house. The key is to help them recognize their feelings by observing them and encouraging them when they do something favorable “I like the way you let your sister borrow your crayons” or “It’s good that you helped her fix her things”.

It’s always not advisable to use the word “bad” when pointing out that something wrong was done. It rather confuses them what they are actually feeling.

For very young children like my nieces, doing some prompting is a big help, “I can see that you feel sad that your sister doesn’t feel like sharing her toys with you now” or pointing specifically to the act, “I see that you took your sister’s drawing book without her permission” and asking follow-up questions like, “Why did you do it?”. Allowing so helps both parents and the kids see the bigger picture.

It’s true that when kids know their feelings are respected, they become more empathetic to others. The rule of the thumb is-- acknowledgement.

Help them communicate

Allowing the kids to express how they feel gives them the idea that their opinion matters. Using words like “she feels”, “she looks”, “you seem” “I think” and avoiding definitive phrase like “It’s bad” will let them distinguish bad behaviors of the person over the person herself.

Set up rules

Kids understand rules more than you think. Rules also help diminish conflicts and help them follow and stick to their responsibilities.

But one important thing to remember is to always be consistent with your rules. Sticking with TV schedules, taking turns, or providing them space will help instill in them discipline, patience, concern, and respect for privacy.

Play is key

Doing activities that foster coöperation like board games, or for Filipino families, bahay-bahayan will encourage coöperation and family bonding.

For more cooperative children games you may refer to Child Care Lounge and Family Pastimes. 

Unfit situations like sibling rivalry can be used as time to teach kids good lessons. How kids are taught will say a lot about who they will most likely become in the future. You might as well do them a favor. I am beginning to.






Photo Credits:
weheartit (dot) com

Handling Relationships and What-not’s

Experience is not the best teacher, character is.

Some say people who have had experience in past relationships are able to handle their next relationships better. I may not agree all the time.

Heartbreak Warfare

It’s true that all people who come and go past our lives leave a significant lesson we can learn huge from.

Romantically involved relationships in particular give us a portal to brand new perspectives to which we can build wisdom to and apply in our future day-to-day relationship encounters.

But moving on from past relationships does not always mean learning the lessons we have gotten from the experience. We cannot alone move forward and become the better person we claim ourselves we are, if we only recognize that we are hurt and still fail to find solutions and make good judgment out of it.

How to Make a Man Court You

“How do we urge it?” asked several single women as I wind up counseling back in college. That was one of the most frequently asked questions I have encountered.

I have become more aware now of the reality that women are still fervent in praying for the right man (whom they really want) to court them as soon.

Image taken from weheartit.com

When love begins to fill the air, we start to wish that the person we want would finally set out to pursue us. But all this wishful thinking can also be very tricky. We never know if what we ask would do us more good than bad, more happiness than hurt.

There are women who bend over backwards and go an extra mile to get the man they want. They try almost everything they can to get him more interested-- wrote him love letters, called him first for a date, cooked for him, compromised other things to make time for him, or the more, dressed provocatively to entice him. And most if not all only come to realize that it just drove the man farther. It's no joke for us women to mortify ourselves just to get the man courting us.

When a Man Treats Good a Woman

Image taken from weheartit.com

I want to talk to the men this time. When you deal with the woman of your life, how do you make her feel?

When that woman walks up to you and sob without trying to speak a single word, how do you usually respond?

When your relationship has taken you both into years of familiar togetherness, how do you cater to her wants and needs?

When a woman communicates a problem to someone, she is generally looking for empathy. When a man communicates a problem to someone, he is generally looking for an answer, said John Gray in his book “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus”.

For a relationship to never lose its spice and let the affluence continue, it is said that both the man and woman need to extend an extra effort to do new adventures and new things to look forward to. True! 

But sometimes, when over familiarity breeds contempt and being together starts to become a bore, either the guy or the girl begins to take things for granted. Sadly, it happens unconsciously most of the time.  When it does, and no one in the relationship initiates to come to the rescue, both start to feel unappreciated hence unhappy.

3 Things Men Look for in a Woman

             

If you’re the kind of person who  wants to settle down in the future with the right man, you would surely want to know what it is that makes a man feel more than just the coincidental attraction for you.

Image taken from weheartit.com

Women though are wired to be more vocal and expressive than men. They can easily acknowledge their emotions and bring it up whenever they find it suitable. Well I know there’s really nothing new with what I said.

But one thing I’m pretty bit confident about is that, each of us (man and woman) have our own specs of identification as to what would attract us to a person; which by attraction doesn’t only mean the temporary gratification of it or some sort of emotional aberration. 

Still supposing, us women often overlook characters that would help us become more desirable to men.

And why you think do I speak for men when I am completely the same woman as you who makes for an interested damsel on lessons about love (and our counterpart)?

How to Court a "Lady" the Filipino Way

Image taken from weheartit.com

Let me tell you frankly, this entry is about the "Traditional Filipino Courting". But nah! I promise you this is only one fourth serious and conventional and three fourth fun and straightforward.

I have found here a video by I'm-not-sure-if-you're-familiar, Mikey Bustos that speaks about courtship and which on this regard is the most probably better way, would you do it.

Video from Mikey Bustos Videos via youtube.com

Funny but it let slip who we are. Right pinoys?

               "So rapid like lightning, noh ba!" ~ Mikey Bustos

Photo/ Video Credits:
weheartit.com
Mikey Bustos Videos, youtube.com