When can you say that you’re already way over past hurts?
When can you say that you have already moved on with your life?;
And when can you say that time has healed the wounds enough to not get affected by those painful memories anymore?
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| Time Forgets l Image under Public Domain Pictures |
It's not too easy to answer those questions as you would answer them depending on your experiences and influences. But one thing that’s for sure is that whoever you are, whatever situation or status in life you may have right now, but because you are human (existing and interacting), in some such way you can, in essence, relate with those questions above— that more often than not we associate with the never-ending human phenomenon called “forgiving and forgetting”.
When we speak of “forgiving and forgetting” your inherent point of view as a person may vary as to the stage of life and development you are in; may you be an old retiree from a long time employment, a busy business man who have spent most of your time on practical things, a firm type of person who has lived life positively, an ordinary citizen or college student who felt like having all the problems in the world. Or an average teenager who isn’t familiar with your true self yet.
All of us have relations to the issue of “forgiving and forgetting” pain. Because even from the simplest things that have happened to us to the most tormenting ones, we’ve all went through some pain in some way.
It is also true that the ways of coping with painful experiences apply differently to each and every person. But how and when exactly can we fully say that time has already healed all wounds?
Thresholds
There are some people who can easily face the obscurity of pain even in a colossal aftermath and can easily balance their emotions and forge ahead with their lives. But there are also witnesses of people who, if not believe that time can help forgive and forget pain, just couldn’t seem to let go of the past and move on. And there are also some people who claim that there are some painful memories that cannot simply be forgotten no matter how long the time has already passed. Often times, these people develop limited trust and openness to their new relationships.
According to the study of human behavior and psychology by Abraham Maslow, the sense of love and belongingness that we feel when we meet someone we build affection to, and share the love and care with, comes third from the top-most priority needs that us, humans have to meet or realize as we go through the process of life. Starting from the most basic necessities we have such as food and water, to the need for safety and security, and to the need for love and belongingness.
When we are able to experience receiving affection and constant feeling that we are accepted by the other person, it adds up to the worth of our existence. We can never move forward to the next level of our human needs unless we’ll be satisfied first with our basic needs, or else when we leap straightly to the next level, we will still go back to where we have overlooked some things in life. In short; we tend to regress or else get fixated.
Our human needs matter significantly so much so that when a particular need’s not met, there’s something that lacks in our sense of being and it effects us much implicit pain than we may think. That is why, if and when we fail to meet our need for love and belongingness which we can get essentially from our relationships (aside from our family), it causes us staggering pain and at times as though a part of our being has been dismantled.
We usually feel the natural feeling of anger or become indifferent and build a defense wall hard enough to protect the pride left on us when we get rejected or hurt in our relationships.
When the wounds are still fresh, they never forget to show up and remind us how hard the feeling has been going. Especially when there are still a lot of reserved questions left unanswered and remorse left unresolved for the offenses done to us, then it makes it really hard to start the lucid process of “forgiving and forgetting”.
The frank bitterness of reality intensifies the ill feeling when you are left out with all the hurt and confusion for no good reason at all; more so when you are at a point in your life where you are not ready to get a hold of the pain and to get to let go of someone you have invested much of your time, efforts, and emotions.
These sentiments might’ve already been played in all too familiar tunes. There have been countless write-ups regarding these. And you might already have, for old time’s sake, read or heard of some advice on how to get through these experiences. But unlike what other writers or self-help books always tell you, there are still far more things to discover and realize in dealing with these experiences than the common solutions like: give yourself some space or divert your attention, although these suggestions help most of the time. And it’s a part of what this article will share to you.
This article won’t talk about the typical how to’s and the do’s and don’ts in forgiving and forgetting; as I said it’s more than that. It would be about bringing on the line the fair perspective in these experiences that you might find similar and true to what you’ve encountered; and how time will help us forget.
Why everyone goes through pain
Allow me to tell you that even if you are the kindest and the most intelligent person in the world, it doesn’t necessarily mean that you will be excused from experiencing pain in life. Because the truth is that, pain has been made a part of every human life by God so that we will learn life’s true lessons and we will be molded into the kind of person which He intends us to be. In the same way that our physical human body feels pain when we are injured and some chemicals called neurotransmitters like prostaglandin are released that stimulates our nerve endings causing us to feel the pain sensation. This pain is in reality our body’s response to protect us from future injury. It’s a proven part of the law of nature. Well okay, it’s really not much of your business to discover how things work in our body but it’s just mentioned to give you a concrete example that pain has naturally been made to protect us from future offenses.
It is mostly through the painful experiences that we learn important lessons in our lives. These lessons don’t usually jump directly into our transcendental consciousness because God has a proper timing for everything. Yes, everything, including healing.
Some things have to happen for a purposeful use and reason in the future. When it happens, it’s meant to happen and there’s no way you can ever do to undo what has already been done. So when you get yourself fastened and bogged down to your past, you’re actually forfeiting yourself the chance to discover what God’s reason for your experience was and if only you have trusted him enough, you would’ve lived a happier life.
There is no logic in fixing yourself to brooding over the hurts of the past as if you can still do something to control it because no person yet has ever been born with an extra mundane capability to turn back the calendar and bring back the old times. And if to reminisce is the least power you can have to hold on to those memories, then the more that it’s powerful to just live your present and learn to look forward to your future.
Treating yourself like a barred convict in an orange-colored fabric, a prisoner of the past, is frankly just a waste of life. That’s the only time you can never let “time” heal those wounds. Because in fact, time can heal all wounds if only YOU will yourself to start moving on. Yes, you! It’s only you who can be the primary soldier of your own life.
What good does it do you if you cling in the past? If not get stuck, you only are developing a self make-believe that it could prevent you from getting hurt again in the future; but sadly the truth is, it only buries you deep down to misery. And the reality is, some of those people who are spending time to help you move on and fail just because you refuse to, can get tired one time because it gives them the signal as if you don’t value yourself well enough. And face it, nobody wants to keep living with a miserable person. Well don’t take it too personally. If you’re getting what I mean, people just don’t actually want to live in a downhill slope. So you better lend yourself the help only you can give.
How can you help it
If your friend is going through a hard time you would actually help her get through it, won't you? So why not help yourself the way you would help that friend? Be your own best friend.
If you’ll keep playing like the victim, you’ll invite self-pity into the picture, making you forget that you are just as important as other persons are. Why not reverse the tide of time on helping yourself to move on? Don’t expect anyone how to treat you. Show them by how you treat yourself.
Of course you can never start the process of “forgiving and forgetting” by jumping straight ahead giving all the task to time. Remember, time will only begin its own sense of healing when you also begin the process of healing by starting from yourself. You have to deal first with the root cause of the wound, otherwise you will always find yourself wondering and broken all the time (and mind you, it might just magnify the pain, and then you’ll claim that time just cannot heal all wounds); then utilize the time to continue the healing process.
As time goes, you'll experience far more brand new things, meet new people, learn new things which will eventually help change your ways of viewing things.
Sometimes, distance has to go with time. When you take the chance to move farther from where or from whom you got the pain, it might in some way help you think the more rational way. You only get haunted by these painful memories again only when you allow reliving the event.
Most of the time, the pain and the difficulty of healing and moving on (that is to say, of forgiving and forgetting) is self-imposed. Someone has said that the healing occurs when you decide there’s no longer any emotional investment in inflicting pain upon yourself anymore. And it’s only when you allow your mind to think that there’s no hope for you to heal yourself and move on, that the process of time to help you forgive and forget also ceases.
Much has been said, but the bottom line that I would like to tell you that I also always share with others is that:
“To all those wounded hearts, human emotions heal no matter how hurt just as much as physical wounds do. Just take a step of courage and an amount full of prayer”.
I invite all your comments, positive or the opposite. The world’s perspective of viewing things might actually improve if only we also take time to listen to what others have to say. Thank you so much for reading my article though. I hope it made sense to you. God bless!
Postscript: Part of my inspiration in writing an article about this topic is the piece of this genius-pianist whom I personally admire for his power of inspiring others through his music. Listen to this music of him; it’s where I got my article’s title.
