You've heard it, many times. Nagging doesn't work. But how can we help it? He has done so many mistakes and there's no way we can let it pass anymore, or else we have accepted our defeat to be treated unwell every time, right? And what can be the most direct way to address it than to tell him in the face why he's making us feel bad?
That Nagging Stuff
Conveying our anger verbally or non- verbally is one clear proof that we do not accept the way we are treated or told. And nagging is the most common form of that nonacceptance.
Even if the reason behind the nagging is good, it will still definitely create a negative effect more than positive. Either our partner will give that silent treatment, become more withdrawn, or become openly hostile and angry. Because nagging triggers defense. There's no way to kill love than to express full disapproval, especially through nagging.
It will make it difficult for a man to appreciate his wife/ girlfriend. In effect, a woman will also have difficulty expressing and receiving the kind of love she wants.
But if You Really Must Do It
Don't let nagging kill love, but let your love for each other kill the nagging instead. If you really must point out the mistake of your partner:
Tone your voice and manner.
We know that sometimes it is not what we say but how we say it that hurts a person. Since childhood, we already resist being constantly dictated of what to do and what not. The same thing goes for grown ups.
A man will reveal more to a woman he can trust. To enable that, you have to speak as an equal. Talk to each other as equal partners. Take time to ease the emotion or wait until the incident has passed and avoid a direct attack. When the argument is still fresh, we are too close to the situation that we cannot view it with clarity. Remember just how much you can save by simply putting an extra humility by toning your voice and watching your manner to allow wisdom and perspective to come into the picture.
Commit to listen.
It is one of the most important keys in every communication. Most of us are "interrupters", we have this obstinate tendencies to chime in at any given time, always wanting to be heard. But a conversation can happen without communication. We can keep on speaking without understanding what the other person is saying because we never really tried to listen. The result is always two people who are never justified with how things are going. The problem only gets magnified rather than solved.
Tame your tongue.
It is definitely not plasticity. It simply shows that you understand your relationship enough to let it matter more than any other presumption your problem has created. It's an indication of your willingness to reach out and patch things up with your partner.
The words "I", "always", and "never" are infinitives that will assure you of unresolved problems and a dying marriage. Remember that you have to cater not only to your own needs but the needs of your partner. And the "I" word is a complete impediment to that. A running account of faults destroys marriage more quickly. While it is important that you become honest with your partner about the real score, there is still the right way to do it without bringing out words than can stir defense.
Commit to listen.
It is one of the most important keys in every communication. Most of us are "interrupters", we have this obstinate tendencies to chime in at any given time, always wanting to be heard. But a conversation can happen without communication. We can keep on speaking without understanding what the other person is saying because we never really tried to listen. The result is always two people who are never justified with how things are going. The problem only gets magnified rather than solved.
Tame your tongue.
It is definitely not plasticity. It simply shows that you understand your relationship enough to let it matter more than any other presumption your problem has created. It's an indication of your willingness to reach out and patch things up with your partner.
The words "I", "always", and "never" are infinitives that will assure you of unresolved problems and a dying marriage. Remember that you have to cater not only to your own needs but the needs of your partner. And the "I" word is a complete impediment to that. A running account of faults destroys marriage more quickly. While it is important that you become honest with your partner about the real score, there is still the right way to do it without bringing out words than can stir defense.
Acceptance is the key
Nothing is more liberating, aside from love, than to know that you are accepted by the persons that matter to you most. We understand that truly loving our partner means that we have accepted him/ her black and white. But as years go by, we discover attitudes which we think are not helpful or need some improving to do, for us and for our partner's good. But change must be total and deliberate for it to be successful. And it cannot happen if we attempt to change the other person but ourselves. There are threefold axiom that may help shape our attitudes of acceptance:
- We can change no one by direct action.
- We can change only ourselves.
- When we change ourselves, others tend to change in response to us.
Any kind of relationship is a system. It is said that change in one part of the system is always followed by compensatory change in other parts. If a husband or boyfriend is disinterested, maybe something in his wife or girlfriend pushes him to be. If a wife or girlfriend feels inadequate and jealous, perhaps her husband or boyfriend gives her enough reasons to be.
While acceptance can be demonstrated by action, it is also important that we express it in words. For example, "I know that you are a good person and I like you the way you are." or "I like the way you do things". It may sound insincere at first, because it will take time for you to reach the point of complete acceptance.
No two person who have fallen in love with each other have fully known and accepted their difference all at once when they started. Otherwise the choice to journey life together would've been pointless. Acceptance is an everyday virtue. And the more you express acceptance, the more it will help you grow and reach complete acceptance.
But do you have to accept everything? No. This doesn't mean that you should deny the fact that you are separate individual, or that you have to tolerate even when the mistake of your partner already causes harm on you both. You don't have to be a doormat. It only means that you respect the person as he is, but would still choose to find a better way to work things out for everyone's behalf. Because acceptance is a human need that needs to be filled. And no relationship can survive without it. The question is if it's worth it to nag your partner to change, or help each other resolve problems and work towards a better union.
I sincerely pray this post has helped you gain perspective on changing and accepting your partner, whether you are married or not yet. God bless you heart!
Reference:
The Compleat Marriage by Nancy Van Pelt
Photo Credits:
aegchu (dot) tumblr (dot) com
littlethings25 (dot) tumblr (dot) com
