7 Ways to Listen Effectively to Your Partner

Agree or not, research says bad listening habits are one of the root causes of relationship problems. When our partner wants to talk about something important, faulty listening can reap negative understanding. Yet, most of us still want to talk more than listen. We have the tendencies to let off our thoughts and meaning than pay full attention to someone who is speaking his. 

Our auto- programmed desire to be heard manifests in few of our actions when we listen: appearing bored, selecting which to listen to and which to reject, being defensive, or interrupting. Are some of these actions familiar to you?

One useful key to remedy these habits is by listening to our partner with feeling. Let me say that again, listening with feeling. Usually the process in communication is we first analyze the information, recall it, and draw conclusions from it. But listening with feeling allows us to hear the feelings of the one speaking first before we analyze the information. 

Our nature is to process information according to our own understanding, and convey what we think about it back to the speaker. But that is not always the case in courtship and marriage. Or in any other kinds of relationship.  We have to listen attentively not only to what has been said, but to what is meant in what was said. That's the way we can understand our partner and perhaps an issue. By doing so:

1. Maintain good eye contact

Tuck away-- your whatchamacallit-- your cellphones and tablets. Good eye contact can help focus your attention. 

2. Sit attentively

Lean forward in your chair. Or block all other distractions as if it's listening to what your partner will say is the only thing that matters in the world at the moment.

3. Act interested in what is said

Nod or express an understanding by one, restating what was said, or two;

4. Say appropriate phrases that affirms you are listening attentively

Phrases like, "I understand" or "I hear you say...". 

5. Ask appropriate questions

It's also one way to show you are interested and you can use it to clarify some things you don't quite understand. 

6.  Pay attention to other details

Listen to what your partner is NOT saying, too. Nonverbal cues.

7. Listen a little longer

Nancy Van Pelt said, "Just when you think you are through listening, listen thirty seconds longer".

Understanding what is meant in what was said is only doing communication half the job. You also have to focus in resolving the real problem. 

And how do you resolve a conflict or an issue? Tune in on my next post on RELATIONSHIPS.

God bless your heart!

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Decoding a Hard-to-change Partner

You've heard it, many times. Nagging doesn't work. But how can we help it? He has done so many mistakes and there's no way we can let it pass anymore, or else we have accepted our defeat to be treated unwell every time, right? And what can be the most direct way to address it than to tell him in the face why he's making us feel bad?

That Nagging Stuff

Conveying our anger verbally or non- verbally is one clear proof that we do not accept the way we are treated or told. And nagging is the most common form of that nonacceptance.

Even if the reason behind the nagging is good, it will still definitely create a negative effect more than positive. Either our partner will give that silent treatment, become more withdrawn, or become openly hostile and angry. Because nagging triggers defense. There's no way to kill love than to express full disapproval, especially through nagging.

It will make it difficult for a man to appreciate his wife/ girlfriend. In effect, a woman will also have difficulty expressing and receiving the kind of love she wants.

But if You Really Must Do It

Don't let nagging kill love, but let your love for each other kill the nagging instead. If you really must point out the mistake of your partner:

Tone your voice and manner.

We know that sometimes it is not what we say but how we say it that hurts a person. Since childhood, we already resist being constantly dictated of what to do and what not. The same thing goes for grown ups. 

A man will reveal more to a woman he can trust. To enable that, you have to speak as an equal. Talk to each other as equal partners. Take time to ease the emotion or wait until the incident has passed and avoid a direct attack. When the argument is still fresh, we are  too close to the situation that we cannot view it with clarity. Remember just how much you can save by simply putting an extra humility by toning your voice and watching your manner to allow wisdom and perspective to come into the picture.

Commit to listen.

It is one of the most important keys in every communication. Most of us are "interrupters", we have this obstinate tendencies to chime in at any given time, always wanting to be heard. But a conversation can happen without communication. We can keep on speaking without understanding what the other person is saying because we never really tried to listen. The result is always two people who are never justified with how things are going. The problem only gets magnified rather than solved.

Tame your tongue.

It is definitely not plasticity. It simply shows that you understand your relationship enough to let it matter more than any other presumption your problem has created. It's an indication of your willingness to reach out and patch things up with your partner.

The words "I", "always", and "never" are infinitives that will assure you of unresolved problems and a dying marriage. Remember that you have to cater not only to your own needs but the needs of your partner. And the "I" word is a complete impediment to that. A running account of faults destroys marriage more quickly. While it is important that you become honest with your partner about the real score, there is still the right way to do it without bringing out words than can stir defense.

Acceptance is the key

Nothing is more liberating, aside from love, than to know that you are accepted by the persons that matter to you most. We understand that truly loving our partner means that we have accepted him/ her black and white. But as years go by, we discover attitudes which we think are not helpful or need some improving to do, for us and for our partner's good. But change must be total and deliberate for it to be successful. And it cannot happen if we attempt to change the other person but ourselves. There are threefold axiom that may help shape our attitudes of acceptance:

1. We can change no one by direct action.
2. We can change only ourselves.
3. When we change ourselves, others tend to change in response to us.

Any kind of relationship is a system. It is said that change in one part of the system is always followed by compensatory change in other parts. If a husband or boyfriend is disinterested, maybe something in his wife or girlfriend pushes him to be. If a wife or girlfriend feels inadequate and jealous, perhaps her husband or boyfriend gives her enough reasons to be. 

While acceptance can be demonstrated by action, it is also important that we express it in words. For example, "I know that you are a good person and I like you the way you are." or "I like the way you do things". It may sound insincere at first, because it will take time for you to reach the point of complete acceptance. 

No two person who have fallen in love with each other have fully known and accepted their difference all at once when they started. Otherwise the choice  to journey life together would've been pointless. Acceptance is an everyday virtue. And the more you express acceptance, the more it will help you grow and reach complete acceptance.

But do you have to accept everything? No. This doesn't mean that you should deny the fact that you are separate individual, or that you have to tolerate even when the mistake of your partner already causes harm on you both. You don't have to be a doormat. It only means that you respect the person as he is, but would still choose to find a better way to work things out for everyone's behalf. Because acceptance is a human need that needs  to be filled. And no relationship can survive without it. The question is if it's worth it to nag your partner to change, or help each other resolve problems and work towards a better union.

I sincerely pray this post has helped you gain perspective on changing and accepting your partner, whether you are married or not yet. God bless you heart!

Reference:

The Compleat Marriage by Nancy Van Pelt

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