When God's Answer Doesn't Make Sense

I have been knuckling down myself, volunteering in a hospital for almost eight weeks. That’s nearly two months. And until now I really wonder how I was able to hold down close to months of physical and emotional burnout of working 40 hours every week without pay, and a slight amount of ill-humor from few random people around.

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Honestly, that is even far from other people’s experience. But one of the hardest parts of getting through bad situations is when you reach the point where you can no longer balance yourself well. It happened to me in the past few weeks.

I belong to an entire generation of Nurses who after graduating and getting the license hardly gets a paying job in the same profession. Or when we get a chance we have to start from scratch and become a “volunteer”. It’s one of the trending professional misplace these days. Even supposing, I still find it okay. Sometimes we really have to start from the bottom to get to where we want (the top).

There only came a point when I could no longer find my passion in what I was doing. At times I become so ambivalent of whether my motivations for entering into nursing were really right. Or if I ever had a wrong notion about it. 

Going on duty always seemed like a struggle each day. And often times I think of quitting and never coming back to the hospital again.

When my co-trainees ask me what my plans are after the training or if I’d still ever want to work in the hospital, I stutter and trip over my words hoping to find an answer I would not regret. But even I. Even I was racking to find my own answer to the question. 

I didn’t know what to do. I cried each night and found myself always praying that I would never do any harm to my patients despite the inner struggles I was having for weeks.

I’ve never been this negative in the several years past. But adequate enough to say that losing hopes amidst too much negative circumstance shots no one in exemption.

I always felt guilty and emotionally tired. I saw myself wince as I moved around the station. I was anxious, I was too fearful. I knew it was never good for me. I could not do otherwise but pray to God. Pray that I may be consoled from the emotional upset.

I needed someone who could understand what exactly I was going through. My co-trainees were going through the same. But mine was something harder. I was really losing my hopes. The only thing I had was my faith that God will hold me.

I knelled down and conversed with God. Everything was already too much to bear I could not anymore be productive. Deep inside, I became more and more frail. I was emotionally and spiritually looking for God’s answer.

While I was dismally having my duty, someone gave me a word of advice. She said,

 “To be able to work in the hospital effectively you have to have confidence especially when in front of the patients”.

To my mind, for nurses and whoever is at the beginning of their careers to be effective in their line of work, I think their work environment should first make them feel that they have equally the same worth and value. Because without most people in several different industries and workplace realizing it, few of the reasons why a person cannot work to the fullest of his potential is because he doesn’t feel valued, accepted, and respected.

But that was only of course one of her attempts to help me to prosper in the field. And I only had myself expressing a personal judgment; probably because, I’ve seen similar hostile experiences in my co-trainees.

I felt that God’s answer was never making any sense. I can still find myself in the same scrape. My crying turned into weeping and weeping into sobbing and if there’s something worse than grieve I knew I was really in great misery. There is an anvil chorus from getting up to work up to ending the shift and finally have time to rest.

At one night, my emotional stresses went into schemes of physical conversions. I sweat a lot, my stomach was aching badly, and my head ached insolently. 

Jam, a special friend phoned me up and found out everything I was bearing. This is what he only had for a word,

            “Sy, DON’T PANIC!!!”

           

Then I paused a silent while. My friend was right. That alone made me realize I was thinking too much. I might have been complaining too much of myself and all my deluding painful experiences in the hospital.

Slowly, I prayed in thanksgiving and complete surrender. I was ashamed of asking and complaining too much to God. I was too fearful of my humanly understanding. I didn’t notice God speaking to me in several ways; to let me know that it was never my job to know what’s going to happen next, it was His. That what I was tasked to do is only to finish the training and to maximize the hospital experiences I could get in three months. Even if it means that I could receive an extent of humiliation. That’s a part of this noble profession.

God reminded me that our goal in living this life is to do whatever he wants us to do so as to keep what He has planned in mind.

When God’s answer doesn’t make sense, this is what I learned worth sharing with you:

DON’T Panic!!!

            The Lord is a refuge for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble.

                                                                                                            --- Psalm 9:9-10

STOP complaining

           

            You know better than I. You know the way. I’d let go the need to know why for You know better than I. If this has been a test I cannot see the reason. But maybe knowing I don’t know is part of getting through. I tried to do what’s best and faith has made it easy. And see the best thing I can do is put my trust in You (God).

            - Joseph King of Dreams 

NEVER lose your focus

            When your problem is deep seated and long standing, try kneeling. It is for God that we live and everything that we do and accomplish is for him. When our problems become too unbearable we get out of balance on what to do, let us not forget that God is the only solution. PRAY.

When God’s answer doesn’t make sense, don’t give up, take what answers he supply. Because God actually makes sense more than we could ever imagine.

Video added by AngelGirl023 via youtube.com

‎"You are the embodiment of the information you choose to accept and act upon. To change your circumstances you need to change your thinking and subsequent actions." 

- Adlin Sinclair

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